In life, it’s easy to orbit the lives of others, whether out of admiration, habit, or obligation. But at some point, you must ask yourself: are these relationships fueling your growth or keeping you stagnant? Many of us wrestle with this question as we reach a stage in life where priorities shift, and building a meaningful existence takes precedence over chasing fleeting thrills.
As a behavioral scientist who’s observed the highs and lows of human behavior for many years—both personally and professionally—I’ve seen this dynamic repeatedly. It often starts innocently: the camaraderie of late-night outings, the excitement of being part of a social circle that feels larger than life. But for some, those nights in bottle service sections turn into years of reckless decisions, leaving only faded memories and squandered potential.
This story isn’t hypothetical; it’s rooted in my own life. Someone close to me—someone I deeply cared for—epitomized this cycle. They were the life of the party, always the first invited to the hottest events, orbiting success yet never achieving it. Watching them waste their potential while refusing to take responsibility was heartbreaking. No matter how much you care, there comes a time when you realize their choices aren’t yours to fix.
The Psychology of Stagnation
The behaviors of those stuck in recklessness often trace back to avoidance. According to Dr. Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, individuals who fail to self-actualize—who never take steps toward their potential—grapple with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of judgment. Fear of confronting painful truths about their lives. Instead, they seek distractions, creating an illusion of significance through temporary thrills.
Bottle service sections, social media posts flaunting proximity to success, and the relentless pursuit of being seen often mask deep insecurities and a lack of self-direction. While these highs feel intoxicating in the moment, they’re fleeting, leaving behind unresolved issues.
Breaking the Cycle: Building Your Own Table
The truth is this: A seat at the table you’ve built is far more valuable than an invite to someone else’s section. The table symbolizes substance, effort, and intention. The section, by contrast, often represents surface-level connections and wasted potential.
If you’ve invested years in draining relationships, it’s time to reassess. Social psychology research consistently shows that our networks profoundly influence personal growth. A 2007 study by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler revealed that behaviors—both constructive and destructive—are contagious. Surrounding yourself with people who prioritize growth and accountability can significantly impact your trajectory.
Letting Go to Grow
Letting go of someone you care about is one of life’s hardest decisions. For me, it felt like abandoning someone who needed support. But here’s the reality: you cannot save someone unwilling to save themselves. Pouring energy into relationships with people who refuse accountability hinders not only their growth but also yours.
I watched someone I loved squander opportunity after opportunity, always blaming others for their setbacks. Their lack of accountability began to suffocate my progress. It wasn’t easy, but I had to step away—not because I didn’t care, but because I cared enough about my own well-being to stop letting their chaos dictate my life.
Encouraging Accountability
The story doesn’t have to end there. One of the most empowering actions is to stop enabling destructive behavior. Encouragement doesn’t mean coddling. True encouragement holds up a mirror, showing the consequences of choices and affirming that they’re capable of more—if they’re willing to work for it.
Psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on the “growth mindset” offers hope. People are not fixed in their abilities; they can change, but only if they believe they can. For those stuck in stagnation, the hardest step is acknowledging their role in their circumstances. Once they do, transformation becomes possible.
Moving Forward
Reflect on your own life and relationships: are the people in your circle helping you build, or are they taking up space? Are you investing in connections that inspire growth, or are you caught in the orbit of someone else’s chaos?
Walking away from someone you care about is never easy, but sometimes it’s the only way to protect your own growth. If you’re the one stuck in the cycle, know this: it’s never too late to take accountability and start building your own life.
A seat at the table is always greater than an invite to the section. The question is: are you ready to build your table, or will you keep chasing someone else’s?
