Buckle up, friends, because I have a story with a lesson that may be hard to hear, but one that could change how you view self-care and boundaries.
In 2024, I made a pivotal decision. I decided not to make a New Year’s resolution but to take the entire year to reinvent myself. This choice stemmed from a painful realization: in 2023, I had let go of significant friendships and relationships that I had once prioritized above my own well-being. I poured my energy and time into individuals—both personally and professionally—with whom I envisioned building a future. But when I finally chose myself, I discovered a harsh truth: those same people, whose lives I had tried to uplift, began speaking ill of my name. The end of 2023 became a living hell, as I grappled with feelings of betrayal and heartbreak. And so, I made a declaration: I would become the “asshole” they had accused me of being.
As harsh as it sounds, this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Why? Because I learned that boundaries are not just essential; they are lifesaving. My energy had been poisoned by individuals who claimed to want more from life but consistently self-sabotaged. They anchored me in their storm rather than sailing toward their own growth. Let me explain why this shift in perspective was vital and how it aligns with psychological principles.
The Psychology of Self-Care and Self-Love
Self-care and self-love are not selfish; they are fundamental to psychological well-being. Abraham Maslow, in his hierarchy of needs, emphasizes the importance of self-actualization—reaching one’s full potential—which is impossible without addressing our own foundational needs first. Constantly prioritizing others at the expense of our own mental health leaves us depleted, resentful, and far from self-actualization.
This is particularly relevant for those who find themselves in the “white knight” role—a coping mechanism often rooted in deeper psychological issues. White knights believe their purpose is to save others, often neglecting their own needs in the process. While this can feel noble, it’s a slippery slope toward codependency and burnout.
The “White Knight” Coping Mechanism
Many men, especially those raised by narcissistic single mothers, fall into the white knight archetype. These men grow up learning that their worth is tied to how well they can please or serve others. Narcissistic parents often create environments where children are conditioned to meet the parent’s emotional needs at the expense of their own. As adults, these men may unconsciously replicate this dynamic in their relationships, striving to “fix” others to earn love and validation.
But here’s the harsh truth: you cannot save someone who is unwilling to save themselves. Trying to do so not only drains you but also enables their self-sabotaging behaviors. It’s a painful realization, but stepping away is sometimes the most loving act—for both parties.
The Cost of Putting Your Life on Hold
When you put your own life on hold to help someone else, you sacrifice more than just time. You risk losing your sense of identity, direction, and emotional well-being. Research on emotional labor—the invisible work of managing others’ emotions—shows that it can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues. The cost is steep, and the return on investment is often nonexistent when dealing with individuals resistant to change.
Setting boundaries is not about being cruel; it’s about recognizing your own worth. Boundaries are a form of self-respect, a way of saying, “My time and energy are valuable.” By stepping away from toxic dynamics, you reclaim your agency and open space for relationships that are mutually supportive.
A New Definition of Selfishness
The word “selfish” often carries a negative connotation, but consider reframing it. Being selfish in the context of self-care simply means prioritizing your well-being. It’s about ensuring you have enough energy to show up for yourself and for others in a healthy, sustainable way. As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
The Lesson
Choosing yourself is not about becoming an “asshole” in the traditional sense. It’s about refusing to participate in dynamics that harm you. It’s about setting boundaries that protect your mental and emotional health. And most importantly, it’s about recognizing that you deserve the same care and compassion you so freely give to others.
If you’re reading this and feeling a twinge of discomfort, perhaps it’s time to evaluate your own relationships and patterns. Are you putting your life on hold for people who aren’t putting in the effort to grow? Are you prioritizing others at the expense of your own well-being? If so, let this be your reminder: you are worth choosing, and it’s never too late to start.
