Religious teachings often aim to guide and comfort people, offering purpose and community. But sometimes, these teachings go too far—especially when they target young people. As a youth counselor at a Christian church, I once saw a campaign that deeply troubles me to this day. Boys as young as 13 were told to wear rubber bands on their wrists. If they noticed a woman they found attractive, they were instructed to snap the band and cause themselves pain. The idea was to “control their sinful thoughts.” At the time, I didn’t question it. Now, I see it for what it was: a damaging and harmful practice.
This campaign highlights a broader problem in some religious teachings. Using shame and pain as tools of discipline doesn’t help children grow into healthy, balanced adults. Instead, it creates shame, confusion, and long-lasting harm. It’s time to talk about the emotional and psychological damage this causes.
1. Teaching Shame Instead of Morality
These campaigns use shame as a way to control behavior. Boys are taught that feeling attracted to someone is “sinful.” But attraction is a normal, biological response—not a moral failing. Instead of learning to manage their feelings in a healthy way, children are told to suppress and punish themselves. This leads to:
- Chronic shame: Feeling guilty or “flawed” for natural instincts.
- Disconnection from self: Learning to distrust their thoughts, emotions, and bodies.
- Stunted emotional growth: Fear and confusion prevent healthy development.
A 2017 study in Psychology of Religion and Spirituality found that shame-based religious teachings significantly increase anxiety, depression, and social withdrawal in young Christian men in the United States. Researchers noted that shame-driven doctrines often cause lasting fear and emotional disconnection, leading to struggles with identity and self-worth. As Dr. Brene Brown explains, shame “fuels disconnection,” making it harder for people to form healthy relationships with others—and with themselves.
2. Pain as a Solution—A Dangerous Lesson
The rubber band method introduced self-harm as a “tool” for self-control. Even if it didn’t leave scars, the message was clear: pain equals purity. This dangerous conditioning teaches:
- Pain as atonement: Creating a harmful cycle where suffering feels like the only way to feel “good” or “pure.”
- Harming instead of healing: Learning to hurt oneself to manage emotions like attraction, curiosity, or guilt.
- Accepting abuse: Children may later believe they “deserve” pain or mistreatment.
A 2020 study in The Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that self-harm behaviors tied to religious teachings often escalate. The study looked at American Christian youth programs and found that teens who practiced minor self-punishment were 65% more likely to develop severe self-harm habits as they got older.
3. How This Plants the Seeds of Masochism
Teaching children to associate pain with relief or moral “purity” can have troubling long-term effects. Over time, they may connect physical pain to emotional release, creating unhealthy patterns like:
- Pain as comfort: Feeling relief through self-inflicted suffering.
- Pleasure through punishment: Confusing shame, attraction, and pain, which can later lead to masochistic tendencies.
- Unhealthy views of intimacy: Developing distorted sexual behaviors as a way to cope with guilt and shame.
A 2019 study in The Archives of Sexual Behavior found that early exposure to self-punishment in religious contexts can contribute to masochistic behaviors in adulthood. Researchers observed a clear link between teachings that frame pain as purity and adult tendencies to seek emotional or sexual satisfaction through suffering. These connections are not natural—they are learned.
4. Why Repression Fails
The campaign’s goal was to suppress sexual thoughts, but repression doesn’t work. Instead, it makes emotions stronger and harder to manage. Suppressed feelings often resurface in unhealthy ways, such as:
- Obsessive thoughts: Trying not to think about something often makes it dominate the mind.
- Guilt and rebellion: Suppression creates guilt, which can lead to shame-driven rebellion.
- Unhealthy relationships: People conditioned to feel shame may struggle to form intimate, respectful relationships.
A 2019 analysis in The Journal of Adolescent Health concluded that repressing sexual thoughts among teenage boys leads to higher rates of intrusive, compulsive thinking. Researchers emphasized that repression magnifies guilt and increases emotional distress over time.
5. Long-Term Harm to Mental Health
These teachings don’t just affect children in the moment—they leave lasting emotional wounds. Many who grew up in shame-based environments carry these struggles into adulthood, including:
- Low self-worth: Feeling inherently flawed or unworthy.
- Anxiety and depression: Shame and emotional repression contribute to serious mental health struggles.
- Relationship problems: Associating attraction or intimacy with guilt and punishment.
- Compulsive behaviors: Suppressed emotions often resurface as harmful habits, like addiction or unhealthy relationships.
A 2018 survey by the American Psychological Association revealed that Christian men aged 18-35 who experienced shame-based teachings reported higher rates of depression and emotional disconnection. Nearly 74% struggled with intimacy and unresolved guilt related to natural feelings of attraction.
6. A Healthier Way Forward
It’s time to rethink how we teach morality, self-control, and emotional health to children. Instead of using shame and pain as tools, we need better approaches:
- Normalize emotions: Teach children that feelings, like attraction, are natural. Parents can model this by having open, judgment-free conversations. Educators and counselors can help kids process emotions through tools like journaling or mindfulness.
- Build emotional intelligence: Teach young people to understand and manage emotions in healthy ways.
- Encourage open dialogue: Create safe spaces where kids can ask questions about relationships, sexuality, and identity without fear of shame.
- Teach self-compassion: Help children see that emotions and mistakes are part of being human—not reasons for punishment.
Dr. Lisa Miller, author of The Spiritual Child, emphasizes that fostering emotional awareness in religious spaces can help kids develop healthier relationships with themselves, their emotions, and their spirituality.
Final Thoughts
The rubber band campaign, like similar teachings, uses shame and pain to control children. While it may seem well-intentioned, it causes real harm—teaching kids to fear themselves and punish their humanity. This is not spiritual growth—it is emotional damage.
If we want young people to grow into healthy, compassionate adults, we must replace shame and repression with understanding, acceptance, and emotional resilience. Only then can they learn to embrace their humanity, not fear it.
