If you grew up in a Black household without a father, you weren’t alone. If you grew up seeing your mother struggle, but somehow, despite it all, still praise a system that kept her trapped, you weren’t alone. And if you ever found yourself angry at your father as a child, only to grow into a man who now questions your mother’s role in it all—well, you definitely aren’t alone.
But let’s be clear: this wasn’t by accident. This wasn’t some natural evolution of Black family dynamics. No, this was by design, and if you want a name to start with, blame Ronald Reagan.
The 1980s: When Everything Changed
Before Reaganomics, before crack flooded our neighborhoods, before the ‘welfare queen’ narrative became gospel, Black families were on the rise. In the 1960s, despite Jim Crow and systemic oppression, over 70% of Black children were born into two-parent households. Black fathers worked, built communities, and provided stability. The Civil Rights Movement had fueled progress, and we were reclaiming our economic and social power.
Then came the 1980s, and everything changed. Crack cocaine, an epidemic strategically funneled into our neighborhoods, decimated Black men. The War on Drugs—despite the fact that drug use was declining nationwide—was waged almost exclusively on Black communities. Reagan’s policies targeted Black men, sending them to prison at rates never before seen, or burying them in cemeteries before they had a chance to raise their sons.
And what did that leave behind? Black women. Angry, exhausted, and struggling to survive in a system that made single motherhood the new normal.
The ‘Welfare Queen’ Lie and the Demonization of Black Mothers
Reagan didn’t just remove Black men from the home—he made sure Black women were vilified in their absence. The term “welfare queen” was one of the most effective propaganda tools in American history. Reagan painted the image of a Black woman living lavishly on government assistance, having babies to collect more checks, and refusing to work.
Reality check: This was a lie.
The majority of welfare recipients were (and still are) white. And most Black mothers on welfare were working low-wage jobs while trying to raise children alone. But the damage was done. The narrative made struggling Black mothers seem like schemers, and it justified policies that cut social safety nets, making survival even harder.
Black boys saw their mothers struggling, heard the media call them lazy and manipulative, and internalized that frustration. They blamed their fathers for leaving and resented their mothers for struggling. And so began the generational cycle of Black boys hating their fathers in childhood, then growing into men who questioned their mothers in adulthood.
The Psychological Toll: The War in Our Minds
So what happens to a child who grows up fatherless and watches his mother struggle?
He grows up questioning his own worth. Studies show that boys raised without fathers are more likely to have behavioral issues, more likely to experience poverty, and more likely to repeat the cycle of absenteeism. The trauma of watching a mother suffer alone breeds resentment. Either the son becomes fiercely protective of his mother to compensate, or he harbors anger that he doesn’t fully understand until adulthood.
And then it clicks.
Many Black men reach adulthood and start asking the questions that no one dared to answer when they were young. Why did my mother choose to have kids with a man she knew would leave? Why did she defend a system that tore our family apart? Why was she so loyal to a government that did nothing for her but keep her struggling?
These are dangerous questions in the Black community. We aren’t supposed to critique our mothers. We aren’t supposed to challenge the narrative that men are the problem. But if we’re serious about breaking this cycle, we have to tell the truth.
As we process these realizations, we must remember that our frustrations with our parents are symptoms of a deeper systemic issue. Our pain is real, but the enemy is not our fathers or mothers—it’s the system that set them up to fail.
What Now? The Future of the Black Family
Reagan’s policies planted the seeds of destruction in our families, but we don’t have to keep watering them. Here’s the truth: the system profits from Black brokenness. From the school-to-prison pipeline to the child support industry, to the way our relationships are framed in media—there is money in keeping us divided.
But if we want to reclaim what was taken from us, we have to do three things:
- Reevaluate Our Relationships: Black men and women have to heal our relationships with each other. We have to address the anger, the resentment, and the misunderstandings. Our mothers did the best they could, but they weren’t infallible. Our fathers were victims of war, but they weren’t always innocent. Healing starts with honesty.
- Rebuild the Black Family: Marriage isn’t just about romance; it’s an economic and social foundation. We have to prioritize stable, two-parent households again. If we don’t, we’ll continue to raise boys who grow into men with deep-rooted wounds they don’t know how to fix.
- Challenge the System: Policies that criminalize Black men, incentivize broken families, and cut economic opportunities have to be dismantled. We can’t afford to be politically disengaged. We need to vote, lobby, and create independent economic structures that don’t leave us at the mercy of a system that was never meant for us.
The Final Question
So, what will you do? Will you continue the cycle, repeating the same patterns that were set in motion decades ago? Or will you take the first step toward healing by acknowledging the truth?
Reagan’s policies were meant to break us. But what they didn’t count on was our ability to rebuild.
The question is—are we ready?
Take action: Start by having these conversations. Educate yourself on policies that impact Black families. Support Black businesses. Mentor young Black boys who need guidance. And most importantly—break the cycle.
